Bad Breath

Most people I know (I know like 5 people) are paranoid about having bad breath. They brush their teeth, they chew gum, they pop Altoids like Judy Garlin popped barbituates, they do that thing where you cup you hand in front of your face and breathe into it even though you mostly just end up smelling your hand. They even probably dabbled in Binaca at some point. They are fucking CONCERNED about bad breath! This is why I will never understand how other people end up with bad breath. I don't mean just like, a little garlicky from lunch or oniony from In n Out. I mean like serious, wretched, hali-fucking-tosis. Like, so rank that if you are forced to have a conversation with this person, you can feel the heat being generated from whatever grossness has found habitable terrain in their mouth. HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN? I literally felt like I needed to Biore the shit out of my pores after talking to our resident Stinkbreath. I mean, at least if my breath is bad it just reeks of whiskey and last night's nacho binge. And that actually smells kind of good.

Cartoon: NatalieDee.com

Office Dialogue: TMI

Cast of Characters
McD: 60ish woman with what is euphemistically described as an "apple shaped" body. That is, she is fat. Not chubby or pudgy or vouptuous, just big bellied and LARGE.
Anonymous Co-worker: Normal(ish) person

McD
Yeah, I think I'm going to go home. I'm really not feeling well.
Anonymous Co-worker
Oh, you should then. Definitely go home, no problem.
McD
Yeah. I'm just going to get some of my paperwork. I've got diarrhea so I have to go home and change my clothes anyway.

Why oh why did anything need to be said after "I'm really not feeling well"? Could anyone explain this to me? Why would you want your co-worker to know that you SHIT YOURSELF?!?!?

Feet

My feet totally smell. Well, I don't think they smell any more than normal but I'm wearing closed toe flats which get notoriously stinky after a couple months of a lot of wear. I'm not sure if anyone else can smell them, but I did go out at lunch at buy some sandals. I think I'm going to have to throw these shoes out when I get home. Good thing they were only like $10.

Brussel Spouts

Brussel Sprouts are the iconically "icky" food that kids never want to eat. Luckily, my parents never even tried to serve them to us, so I was off the hook. But this also meant that I never knew the completely rancid and gag-inducing smell that came with cooking up a batch of the little green globules. So naturally, someone brings them to work for lunch, cooks them up in the microwave and blam-o! The whole office downstairs smells like farts. The next person that walks in, lovely and polite lady she is, wrinkles her nose and asks "Weird smell?" at which point the culprit blushes and says "It's my brussel sprouts." Let's stick to salads, eh?